Until I was in my mid-fifties, most of the significant problems in my life I perceived to be caused by women. I felt that they were always competing with me, attempting to mother me and smother me, even trying to direct my life force.
At about fifty-five I began the very painful process of seeing the truth. The women in my life had nothing to do with my problems. They were simply mirrors of my own deep seated feelings of inadequacy and fear. A day would come when I would quit hiring them to mirror inadequacy and fear, and instead invite them to mirror love, health, and wholeness. Please understand that the invitation was to a dance, an opportunity for joy. It was not a request or a manipulation of any kind. The responsibility for my happiness was no longer on their shoulders. By owning my own problems I got to own my own happiness. The women in my life became free to own their own problems and their own happiness. My relationships with women have not only been different ever since; but perhaps just as importantly, my relationship with myself has been different ever since.
The painful process of seeing the truth had everything to do with self-discovery. I had to openly and honestly explore my deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, fear, and confusion. By owning those things, my inner dark reality, I was able to let the women in my life off the hook from mirroring those things back to me. There were times when I was exploring my shadow side that I thought I would be overwhelmed by hurt and shame. The only way I was able to continue the process was by systematically developing self-love. For me self-love was and is a willingness to love myself and embrace myself even as I uncover my darkness. One of the beautiful benefits of systematically developing self-love has been experiencing loving others with greater ease. I not only now invite the women in my life to dance with me, mirroring back love, health, and wholeness but I offer them a dance partner who is more available to mirror their love and beauty back to them. I am speaking of all kinds of relationships with women here. My wife gets the greatest benefit of all, of course! When I use the metaphor of “dance partner” I include my relationship with my daughter, my sister, my female colleagues and friends. If my mother were alive, offering her this dance would be very meaningful.
Developing self-love gave me the miracle of being able to love others better, with greater ease and honesty. Developing self-love increased my spiritual and emotional maturity. I have found that as we learn to love ourselves we develop and retain the ability to delight in other people, not needing to fix or change them. It is as we learn to give ourselves unconditional love that we can best give others unconditional love. Things like unconditional love, finding delight in one another, joy, and miracles makes the relationship between any two people sweeter for the journey.
Tags: self discovery, self love
