Have you ever considered where your beliefs about relationships come from? This is a question brought to my attention by entrepreneur and Canadian business woman Penny Phang of www.PennyPhang.com. I was rivited by the question, realizing I had my own thoughts on the subject that I wanted to share here.
First, let me say that beliefs are not the same as truth – certainly not Truth with a capital “T.” Beliefs come to us from a variety of sources. Our parents pass down to us beliefs their parents taught them, who were taught by their parents, who were taught by their parents, and so forth. Beliefs also develop from experience. If no one ever told you to not touch a hot stove because you’d burn yourself if you did, it would only take touching a hot stove one time to create that belief in you!
Beliefs develop from what our teachers, preachers, parents, and peers tell us as well as from the experiences we have with those people. If you have one parent who is especially loving and another that is punitive, you grow up with a different set of beliefs from your next door neighbor who had two especially loving parents (or two punitive parents).
If you were teacher’s pet most of your childhood, it only takes one teacher who made you his or her whipping boy (or girl) for you to come to believe that authority figures can’t be trusted. Negative experiences like shame and guilt deeply shape our beliefs.
Beliefs affect the career you choose, the foods you eat, the number of children you have (or don’t have), the religion you keep, the person you marry, the friends you make, the amount of money and possessions you have in your life, how you raise your children and your pets, etc. Beliefs affect everything.
And so, beliefs affect your primary relationship. Do public displays of affection make you uncomfortable? Does your spouse’s choice for no PDA make you feel insecure? Can you tolerate your spouse flirting with someone else or does it make your skin crawl? How often do you make love? Do you make love with the lights on or off? What time of day do you make love? Do you remember birthdays and anniversaries? Do you fight over food or health care or money or in-laws or children?
Behind the answers to every one of those questions and more are beliefs. With many relationship beliefs, you and your partner having opposing beliefs is no big deal. But with others, having opposing beliefs can make or break a relationship. To use an extreme example, some desire an open marriage. Neither Sarah Elizabeth or I desire such a relationship. For both of us this concept harks back to “swingers” in the 1970’s and ’80’s. It seems like an anachronistic idea, particularly once AIDS came on the scene. However, it’s very much a part of some couples’ lives. Fortunately, she and I are on the same page on this issue. Moreover, our beliefs inform our stance. If one of us wanted an open marriage, it would break the relationship.
On the other hand, I don’t care for public displays of affection. If it were up to Sarah Elizabeth, our affection would be on display no matter where we were! Both of our desires on this issue stem from beliefs but our impasse on it isn’t a make or break deal. We both compromise. I tolerate more PDA from her than I’m comfortable with and she’s learning to not take it personally when I control her efforts to love me up in public.
The next time something isn’t right in your relationship – when the chemistry doesn’t feel good – when you are afraid you want to call it quits, I suggest stopping and mulling over the possibility that you are both being driven by opposing beliefs. If that’s the case, because beliefs are not the Truth, then you can realize that what’s going on doesn’t have to hurt your love. Address the beliefs and see if compromises can be made or simply genuine understanding bring you back together.
Tags: compatibility, conflict resolution, how to resolve differences, Long term relationships, love advice, relationship advice
