To love or not to love is a matter of the heart. Love is an expression of the heart. But one thing I’ve learned in the last decade working with individuals in the area of relationships is that the will is critical to maintaining the relationship – maintaining the love.
I recently learned of a couple who were floundering in despair, headed for divorce. As a couple, they had lost their way. But it was also clear they had lost their will to maintain the relationship. Their relationship had disintegrated to where both of them felt deeply victimized by the other. They had lost their will to maintain the love (they had lost their will to stay in love) and in losing it, they had lost their way.
In the marriage ceremony, the vows that we make are not only an expression of love, they are an expression of the will to hold true to that love, to maintain it and feed it. For example, in a traditional ceremony there are words such as, “In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for as long as we both shall live.” It is an expression of our will to say, “I will be by your side. I will choose to love you through all the challenges.” When we lose our will to keep the love, the fires of love and passion are not fed. As a couple, we lose our way. We flounder, we give up, someone seemingly better comes along, and we invariably wind up feeling a victim of the relationship and our partner.
Negativity, resentment, and what we don’t like about each other are bound to come up. We can allow our attention to stay there and feed the fires of victimization, or we can remember our commitment to hold true to love. It isn’t a matter of holding a commitment to stay together. It’s deeper than that. It’s a commitment to return to love.
What you put your attention on grows. If you put your attention on all the things wrong with your partner, all the things lacking in your relationship, then in the context of the relationship, you lose your way. Utilizing your will to come back to your commitment to love, then you stay in the energy of continuing to develop, to create an ideal relationship. This is why marriage is a spiritual discipline!
